A Test in Life & Death

Yesterday felt like a test. It tested my nerves, my patience, my ideas on time and mortality, but most notably, it tested who I am in the face of fear.

Saint Jerome Writing by Caravaggio

 I am not thrilled to say that I crumbled a bit. I spent a solid portion of the day sobbing, grieving the potential destruction nuclear warfare would cause to our earth and our humanity. I spent the rest of the day in deep reflection about all the panic I was feeling. I came to a few conclusions:

1. The panic is totally, completely, 100% valid. 

2. While the panic is valid, it is the most wasteful use of my precious finite time. 

3. The only way to get through this with my humanity intact is to lean into what is hurting me in the first place - love. 

In Form by Tia Permenter

I love this life. I love our lush, vibrant planet. I love how magical and miraculous it is that we exist at all.

It is all so fucking beautiful and inspiring, that the thought of any inch of it being bombed and toxified further makes me ache. So I spun it around. I stopped giving all of my attention to the ache, and I decided I was going to focus on that feeling of love instead. I’m no longer going to let myself be broken down, rather I will let myself be broken open, like a seed ready to sprout with new life. I will no longer cower in the face of these fears.

To sit and stew in that space of panic is nothing but a waste of time, and time is fickle. We will never have enough of it. What do you really accomplish operating from a mental state of fear? Cognitive function decreases under stress. Fear only perpetuates more fear. The only way out is through. And the only way through is with the help of what we love.

Yesterday was a test in life and death.

It asked me one simple question, “Now that you see so clearly how finite all of this is, how are you going to live this singular precious life before it’s all gone?” I’m still sorting out my answers and intentions, but I know I’m going to do it all with a fiery passion, and gratitude for getting to exist in the same world as trees and pomegranates and my people. I will fight for this existence fiercely, and I’ll do what I can to fill the time that I have with love, presence and as much inspiration for the future as I can conjure.